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Marriage: Living Side by Side
"Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings, infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them, which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky."
Rainer Rilke
For over a decade now, at least half of the marriages in the United States have ended in divorce. These days, we are seeing more couples in which both partners work, some travel every week, have children, juggle money and are concerned about how they spend what leisure time they do have. We see couples who feel disconnected. They have lost touch in many ways. They wonder where the romance went. The man or woman, sometimes both, feel forgotten. One partner may accuse the other of never being home. One partner may be driven to get ahead and protest that he/she is working hard for the family. Clearly the stresses of the 90’s are taking their toll on marriage and the family.
Why is it so easy for good people who love each other to become lost and disenchanted with their marriages? Was it always thus?
Previous generations didn’t have as many options as do couples today. During immigration, the Depression and the war years staying together often was a question of social and economic survival. While couples may have stayed together out of necessity, and operated in traditional roles that provided a certain level of comfort, they may have been no more happy or unhappy than are couples today.
This generation of married people has more choices. We have a generation of women and men who have more economic freedom, greater education and more options for raising children than did their parents and grandparents. Adapting to today’s family challenges requires a thoughtful and feeling orientation. Changing traditional roles means redefining the cultures of the couple and accepting each partner’s developing identity within the marriage.
We believe that Rilke had it right. Within the process of becoming a couple and facing life’s challenges, there needs to be room for the development of the self. There must be room to grow, space to breath, nurture and strengthen each individual as well as the couple. Never has that need been so apparent as it is today.
So what is “living side by side?” As each individual works to define him/herself within the marriage, there needs to be enough separation between the two individuals to allow for growth. Like two trees that grow side by side, there needs to be enough space between them to let the light come though. There needs to be enough distance so that each tree can be clearly seen, and appreciated against the sky.
Yet we see couples struggle to feel connected during that growth, to appreciate that the separation is a nurturing circumstance, rather than a threat. We know as a couple, and we see in couples we counsel, that there is difficulty with separating and coming back together. The stresses of the world seem to get in the way. We may begin to find we can get some of the things we want out in the world, while it seems difficult to get them at home.
Above all the cry seems to be, “See me, Hear me, Pay attention to me.” From the small child who turns his mother’s face to his, to the respect that we pay to those on their deathbeds, the universal cry is the same. “Pay Attention.” Human beings need recognition. We need to feel cared for. We need to feel respected. There must be room and acceptance for the individual, within the marriage.
It sounds simple. But too often, individuals get caught up in the “what’s”. What should we do differently? What must he or she change? The issue may not be what to do, but how. Individual self-respect allows each partner to ask for what he/she wants, discuss, not demand, and explore positive aspects of the relationship in a positive way. When couples can deal with their issues with respect, self-esteem, fairness and flexibility, there is room for growth and sharing of strength. We begin to realize the ‘apart’ can allow each partner to be “a part”, not alone, no matter how hard the world tries to get in the way.
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