EXPERIENCING CHANGE:
Between Where We've Been and Where We're Going.

"Who are YOU?" said the Caterpillar
"I-I hardly know, Sir, just at present."
Alice replied rather shyly. " At least I know who I was
when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been
changed several times since then."

Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

They say the only thing constant is change. This is certainly true as we move through our lives from childhood through adolescence, young adulthood, middle age and older adulthood. We change developmentally. It's our very nature. Yet, the transitions the periods between leaving a place we've been and the place we are going are unsettling. Even if the change we are experiencing is by choice, - letting go of a role, a person, a place or an attitude, or taking on a new one- the transition can cause a certain amount of fear, anxiety or sense of loss.

When we are forced into a change because of someone else's transition, or some other change- a spouse leaving, a company downsizing, the death of a loved one or a life changing illness- it can feel like hell. We feel out of control about what is happening to us. Yet, whether the transition is initially desirable or not, there can be useful growth in the transition. Miracles can happen if we allow them.

Allowing them isn't easy. We fight against change, try to control those around us who may be experiencing a developmental change, or simply endure in a heavy-hearted manner that causes physical and emotional distress. In resisting changing, we withhold from ourselves the creative growth of our lives. Transitions may be the human equivalent of metamorphosis in caterpillars. The trick is to find ways to use the process in such a way that we can come through the change stronger, wiser and more fulfilled.


Part of the difficulty is the discomfort of being "in between". Our society puts a lot of stock in knowing where we are going and how we will get there. Our culture values being in control of our destiny. Yet being in the in-between is a necessary part of change. When we go up a ladder, we alternately hold on to one rung and let go to reach the next rung. If we hold on tightly with both hands, no progress is made. In order to develop, we must endure some anxiety tempered with the faith and courage that we will be able to reach the next rung. The process enables the progress.

It takes courage to go through change. Once we accept that change is inevitable, we can make choices as to how we will participate, and tap the resources we need to care for ourselves in the midst of our own or another's change.

It is predictable that we might feel wronged, and experience anger or sadness along with fear when we are forced into a transition not of our choosing. We may try to blame someone, or anyone. Or we may complicate things by telling ourselves that there is no problem, or no way the problem can be changed. Or we may talk to everyone in sight but never really get down to what the upheaval means for us.
In order to support our inner selves, to strengthen our heart, it is important to manage our fear. Fear can be kept in bounds by knowing that the symptoms of anxiety and depression will pass. Wounds can heal.

Just as the body heals itself, so does the psyche. Therapy is the process of healing wounds and learning not to pick at them. Controlling our fear allows us to fully experience a transition in ways that allow us to ask questions and explore what we feel and why we feel it. By going into the transition and not trying to avoid or diffuse it, we can learn about whom we are and what we want to be.

Support in this process is important. By finding someone who can listen and speak with compassion but not offer pat solutions, someone that can share a discussion and allow us to examine possibilities, we can listen to our inner self. We may choose the support of a therapist or a close friend or relative. Many people rely on a Higher Power for support in their exploration. Their faith, learning and/or prayer may allow them to let go of the feeling of overwhelming isolating responsibility. They are climbing the ladder.

Change is challenging and it can be exciting. Shelly remembers an incident that brought home the importance of focusing within transition for him. "I was taking a ballet class (yes!) and as the only man in the class, I was already out of my comfort zone. The teacher wanted us to twirl across the room. All I could think about was getting dizzy, not being able to make it and making a fool of myself. The instructor gave me a simple suggestion with profound implications: Keep your eyes open, pick a spot across the room and keep your eye on it as you twirl toward it. It was fun, and I can still do it. "

A driving instructor in his youth had similar advice for him. "I was a weaving driver concentrating on the hood of the car and becoming more jittery with every anticipated mistake and over-correction." Shelly remembers. " He simply suggested I look beyond the hood to a distant point down the road. My weaving disappeared and I proceeded more smoothly once I paid less attention to every small action I took and concentrated on where I really wanted to go."

Regardless of the nature of the change we may be undergoing, it is how we navigate through the change, overcome anxiety, and take time to listen and care for our inner self that will determine whether we will experience healthy growth and find that new place where we want to be. The Shaker hymn "Simple Gifts" says it nicely:

"Tis the gift to be simple
'tis the gift to be free
'tis the gift to come down where you ought to be,
And when we find ourselves in the place just right,
It will be in the valley of love and delight.

When true simplicity is gained,
To bow and to bend we shan't be ashamed.
To turn, turn will be our delight,
'Til by turning, turning we come round right.

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TOOL BOX

There are several points to keep in mind about transition and change which may help when making decisions and commitments.

1. Often you don't have to decide until you want to. People may feel pushed to make a decision, but they may not have done the inner self work to be ready. Or they may feel they need to make a decision to alleviate some discomfort, when being in the discomfort for a while may allow them to find their real desires.

2. Preferences are different from decisions. We may prefer one action but feel compelled to take another. None-the-less, those preferences should be clearly examined in the process of self-evaluation.

3. You are allowed to make 'baby-steps' toward bigger decisions. Mental rehearsing and small steps that allow us to feel out the direction we think we want to go give us room to back up or change course if we ultimately decide it is necessary.

4. Breaking the Risk Barrier is never easy. Examining our fears, balancing both the worst case scenarios and the best possible outcomes allows us to explore the basis of possibilities and their rootedness in past happiness or unhappiness.

5. Maintain Anchor Points. When so much is changing within us and around us, anchors are helpful in maintaining our center and support. Whether you are a person who seeks peace and quiet, someone who needs connections with others or a person who likes orderliness and predictability, find ways to keep that anchor in your life so that you feel more comfortable with change.

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EXPLORING CENTERING TECHNIQUES
To listen to our inner selves, it is helpful to learn ways of centering- finding a stable center through which decisions can be enacted to move us through our transitions. By using various centering techniques, we can become self supportive enough to stand on our own two feet and be ready to commit to ourselves, relationships, work, to life. Centered, we can be ready to make the decisions that will help us carry out a course of action that will be truly caring of ourselves and others.


1. Need-Want Exercise

Create two lists, one titled "I need" and one titled "I want". Needs are what you cannot do without- you need to breathe, eat, sleep, go to the bathroom. You are not in control of needs. Emotional needs are really wants in disguise. Wants are more within our control, although we may not feel life has given us what we want. We must choose them to get them met. If we have lived according to others' expectations or have come to see ourselves through others' eyes, we may not immediately know what we want. We need to define wants as part of adult decision making.

2. I have to, I choose to, I can't, I won't

It can be revealing to exchange the beginning of sentences. For example, changing "I have to leave my husband (or wife)" to "I choose to leave my husband (or wife)" changes the meaning for the speaker. "I can't get angry, cry, share etc." is very different from "I won't get angry, cry, share." These exchanges can help us discriminate more clearly between perceptions and real truths.

3. Yes-No-Maybe

In order to care for ourselves we must be able to say a clear yes, a clear no and a clear maybe, which indicated serious consideration rather than avoidance. Though we all desire clarity, sometimes we do not say what we really mean in order to avoid conflict or disapproval. Taking a stand for what we really want, even in small ways, by clearly stating yes, no or maybe can help us center and thereby get in touch with larger wants.

4. Dialogue with the Self

A poet once said, "In every corner of my soul there is an altar to a different god." We are all the sum of many parts- subpersonalities held together by an inner self. Some of these parts are our friends; others are not so good to us. Different parts of our personality come out in different situations. When we are under stress or trying to make critical decisions different parts of our self may try to take over. The fearful self or the recriminating self may come to the fore, making decisions difficult, even immobilizing us. The take-charge self may want to rush the process; the guilty self may cloud our judgement. By acknowledging our many parts, and actually creating a dialogue between them, we use "talking to ourselves" in a positive way to help reach clarity.

5. Using our Senses

Fritz Perles, founder of Gestalt Therapy, used to talk about losing your mind and coming to your senses. He meant tuning out for a moment all the shoulds, needs and wants in our mind and relying on seeing, hearing, touching and sensation to orient us.

Do you really listen to your self? Are certain revealing phrases always there? Often we can tell others how they sound, but we don't hear ourselves. Often our script -what we repeat in pattered ways- can reveal a life theme that we are struggling with. Others may hear it, in fact they may have tuned it out for having heard it so often, but we do not. By really listening, we may find in ourselves that which may need attention for change to occur.

Seeing beyond our self-absorption can change our perspective. We often are told to 'look to God', or look to whatever. We have to include trying to look at something through another's eyes. We also gain perspective just by looking out over the ocean, or watching a child sleep. By attaching our sight beyond ourselves, we may see things in new ways. We may not like what we see, but facing the reality can be instrumental in making decisions.

Touch is a basic form of caring. Skin contact is a basic human need. Inviting touch means I trust you. There are healing touches and touching remarks of those who care for us. We all need affirming touch in order to be in the world of living and trusting. In the midst of change, we need ways of touching and being touched.

The consciousness of our senses can be very centering. Listening to your breathing and becoming aware of the sensation of breathing is a basis of meditation. Feeling our sensations, being aware of the heart beating, of any tension in the body, is a way of really concentrating on ourselves.

It's not a coincidence that the words 'somebody' and 'nobody' connote degrees of respect. If you believe you or someone else is a nobody, you have discounted yourself or him or her in a truly profound way.

6. Do what You Love and Lose your Self

Zone out in what you are doing. It's amazing how energized, how happy we feel when we can concentrate and immerse ourselves in what we love doing. It can be focussing on a hobby, enjoying a sport, giving and getting pleasure in lovemaking. What concentrates your senses, puts you in your personal timeless zone, makes you one with your self or another.

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