Dealing With Differences

"I wouldn’t do it that way.
Yes, you would.
I would? Why would I?
You would, because you’d be me, and this is the way I do it."

Cartoon Dialogue

There’s no question, we are all different. We do things differently, we see things differently, we react to things differently, and we care about different things. These days, we have been acutely aware of how much we have in common and the differences between us. Sometimes differences even occur within ourselves. We are socialized to express certain parts of ourselves and suppress others. For many people differences pose a real moral challenge.

While it is true that some differences may never be bridged, it is also true that some can be welcomed if we realize how personal differences can actually add to the quality of our lives. Whether between individuals or within ourselves, how do we learn to deal with differences and find peace?

Differences are unavoidable. They are part of what makes us human, what creates the tapestry of society - the color and texture. It would be a pretty dull world if we were all clones. Yet when they cannot be reconciled, differences can cause great pain and consternation, particularly in relationships. Between people and within ourselves, differences can cause conflict.

In couples, two examples of the biggest issues of difference involve money and sex. But many other differing values and interests, big and small, can cause conflict within a relationship. Unresolved differences can cause stress, anger, denial, repression, resentment and feelings of betrayal. People can cut themselves off from each other because of the anger and helplessness they feel in bridging the differences between them. Most couples and families we see are dealing with differences regarding the quality of their lives together. Decisions have become difficult or impossible, as the two people are too far apart in their perceptions of their mutual reality. Blaming can seem easier than finding ways to bridge the gap and live with differences.

Communication, understanding of and empathy for our differences are key to the process. Clearly stating one’s concern, truly listening for meaning with full attention, trying to see the way the other thinks, can give each person the perspective that leads to acceptance and accommodation. By really sharing our differences, we can appreciate each other’s needs. It also helps to get both parties calmed down and able to look for productive solutions. From there, empathy and respect for the other’s point of view can pave the way to building tolerance and a good outcome for both parties.

Early in our marriage, we were both students and had divided household duties pretty equally. When our first son was born in 1970, we lapsed into more traditional roles. Raye took on the traditional female roles of housework, cooking and childcare. She says she felt very confused, angry and abandoned. While attending a women’s group, she realized that she really needed Shelly to share more responsibility. She explained her feelings and expressed her need for him to help by making dinner every other night. She wasn’t picky about what we ate, as long as we didn’t spend a lot of money and we ate something. After some heated discussion, Shelly saw the fairness of this request and began cooking, a family solution we share to this day.

Differences within oneself can also create conflict. Sometimes people believe they should feel or act in a socially acceptable way, but within themselves, they feel or want something else. Sometimes, they may hold two different feelings at the same time. We see this often in our clients. We see people who hold their security in family or a job very dear, but at the same time long to be free and unencumbered. We see individuals who feel that they have conflicting social, sexual or moral values within themselves.

The truth is that the human personality is not by nature black or white, nice or not nice. Rather, there is a yin and yang to it - we are all made up of opposing traits. Both sides are part of who we are and in order to resolve the internal differences we must find a way to accept both. Polarization is dehumanizing. We cannot demand of ourselves to choose one way over another. Doing so can only work for the short term and invites future unhappiness and even obsession. In the case of the individual, the resolution may begin with simple acceptance of both aspects of the personality. Once that is achieved, one can begin to find lifestyle choices that accommodate the different needs within oneself.

We all have a personal tool kit of God-given senses like sight, hearing, touch, even a “sixth sense” of what is real. These can be hugely effective in achieving that acceptance of differences which reduces conflict. We can focus in on differences, really hearing and seeing both sides. We can touch and be touched through empathy. We can generate calm by stopping to think and reflect rather than retreating, reacting and blaming. We can summon understanding through tolerance. Ultimately, we all seek acceptance. We yearn to live peacefully within ourselves and with others. By employing the tools in our tool kit, we can learn to live with differences. When we stop pushing away differences and live with them, we come to appreciate what we have in common.


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The Tool Box

Having differences is not synonymous with being in conflict. Conflict is the result of not being able to reconcile differences. Differences are inherent in the nature of any relationship. They co-exist with similarities. It is how we approach them that determines whether the process of dealing with our differences might actually improve the relationship. Dealing with differences can be a creative process between people. Here are some “tools” to help you be more creative in your relationship.

* Hold judgement on what someone is saying and ask questions intended to improve your understanding of their differing opinion. Clarify meaning, ie. “Do you mean...?”

* Where you have differences of approach to a particular problem or decision, keep your focus on arriving at a joint decision or approach to a problem. Seek agreement without giving in.

* Be aware of whether you are only expounding your own view, rather than also being willing to listen to different opinions. When you listen to me I feel respected. When you don’t, I will fight your opinions.

* Give someone “the benefit of the doubt”.

* Listen for keywords, which is where you will find the heart of someone’s position. Speak and ask questions relating to these keywords. Watch your own tendency to avoid getting to the heart of your differences and getting lost in side issues.

* Be aware that differences can sometimes be emphasized by the other person and create distance, even anger. Diffuse this kind of emphasis by emphasizing common goals.

* Separate the person from the words. React to the differing opinion, not the person.

* When dealing with differences, move in closer. The closer you are, the more attention is being paid. Distance creates more differences.

* Encourage feedback. What does the other person think you said? Shut out distractions. Control your own tendency to avoid the frustration of dealing with differences. Hang in there.

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