Isenberg and Associates

Areas We Help With

After An Affair

The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.

Marcel Proust

There is no question that affairs are a hot topic right now, in every house in the land. What the First Family is experiencing is a tragic drama played out in homes, offices and therapists offices across the country every day. And with the rise in technology today, affairs are even occurring online, via the internet, and are being discovered through cell phone bills and beeper messages. So why do affairs happen, and is there a way to save the marriage after the affair?

The people we see who are engaged in affairs feel they are not having all their needs met in their marriage. They may like what they get from the marriage as far as it goes, but they also like what they get from the affair. Some feel they can’t give up either relationship; they need the combination.

In many cases, the affair isn’t only about sex. It’s more about intimacy or the way they want to feel about themselves. Human beings need touch, skin contact being a primary need. They need to feel valued, appreciated, and simply acknowledged. The first phase of a relationship, idealized love, is often what people seek outside the marriage after the marital relationship has moved beyond that stage. Many spouses report that that sense of appreciation and intimacy is what they seek at home, but don’t find.

The spouse who feels neglected, lonely, unappreciated or bored is vulnerable, and often ripe for an affair. The person may confide in a co-worker or friend about unhappiness in the marriage. They may seek recognition from another for their warmth and openness, intelligence, strength or physical attractiveness. The intimacy that develops may be strictly emotional or may develop into a physical relationship. A sympathetic ear becomes a regular drink after work, becomes a hug, becomes a kiss and suddenly boundaries come tumbling down.

The elements that seem constant in an affair are secrecy, emotional intimacy and sexual chemistry. Even if the chemistry is not acted upon, the sexual tension and lure of the forbidden is a critical element in the relationship.

Most of the people we see are not philanderers who enjoy the adventure or sexual addicts who use sex like a drug, or even those who have a sense of entitlement about extra-marital sex. Although we see these people too, most clients have engaged in an isolated lapse or a longer term entanglement. They come because they want to save the marriage or leave it. They want to heal their confusion. They come because they are struggling with having been left for another, and the betrayal they feel. They come because they are leaving and feel guilty and/or afraid. Most couples we see would like to have a future together, are afraid they won’t, and want us to show them how to proceed.

For many couples, the discovery of an affair can be a watershed. Once the betrayal is known, the recovery of the couple depends on the redevelopment of trust. The current violation will always be there, and in that way, things will never be the same. If the couple is willing to live with that and explore what else is possible, a renewed and perhaps better relationship may emerge.

In order to begin to redevelop trust, the affair must stop. There will be a period of saying goodbye, and affirming that the spouse in the affair really wants to end the affair. This may be a brief process or quite a lengthy one, that should not be carried out in secret, but rather, as an acknowledged part of healing. Then a number of factors will determine the success of the recovery.

Can the unfaithful partner take responsibility for the behavior and acknowledge the pain he/she has inflicted on the spouse, exhibiting empathy instead of blame?

In order to begin the rebuilding process, the betrayed must feel that the unfaithful partner is genuinely contrite and even empathic. By accepting the blame for the choice to stray rather than shifting the blame to the betrayed, the healing of trust can begin.

Can the betrayed partner allow for the unfaithful partner to begin to speak of the flaws in the relationship, and in him/herself, which may have led to the affair?

The spouse who sought intimacy outside of the relationship must be allowed to begin to examine what he or she felt in the new relationship that was appealing. Could those feelings be brought to the marital relationship? Often, the betrayed spouse as well would like a freer, or more assertive, or more emotionally open spouse, but both felt stuck in old patterns. By examining the appeal of the affair, new possibilities for the marital relationship may appear.

Can the couple openly examine the affair in all its details, the trauma
and the contributing factors so that together they can overcome, learn from and master the experience?

Both people must be willing to go over the details openly, without blame. By examining and seeking to understand what happened, the couple begins to create a common understanding. As in any other traumatic event, reviewing what happened helps build understanding which moves those involved from victims to survivors who have achieved some control over the circumstance.

Monogamy is a choice. Healing takes time. The couples who seek to stay together must be willing to invest as much time as it takes to work through identified problems and rebuild. An investment of attention to the marriage is critical. Think of the time, money and attention which you invested in the partner during courtship. The same might be said for the affair. That attention and tending must be given to the rekindled marriage.

Over months and even years, the healing can lead to a new level of
commitment, where the marriage can provide the closeness, acknowledgment and satisfaction that was missing. To paraphrase Samuel Johnson: “One is much pleased with the companion who increases, in some respect, our fondness for ourselves.”